Words are teeth & they eat at me. Feed on my corpse instead.

September 5, 2008

2008-09-05T07:57:26Z

Hello everyone.

College life is going good. I go home for the weekend tomorrow. Yay me haha.

I've actually been good. I'm amazed I'm still awake at two in the morning. I've been sleeping greatly and all through the night ect. It's nice to have someone to just talk to that doesn't judge me all of the time.

He's actually a really good guy. He's pretty much my best guy friend, and one of the best friend's I have entirely. Although I do believe he just fell asleeep on me, so now I'm going to be bored and have to go to sleep haha.

I'm freezing no lie and I have to wake up at fucking seven. That's five hours away hahah! I can't wait to get up and have a cigarette though haha.

I'm excited for October now. Could be the best month I've had in a while. Halloween and Cassie comes back. Yay. I can't wait to fucking see her. She said I should come stay with her for a week sometime, I would love to if I had themoney and shit. Let's hope I do haha.

Anywho I think since Nick fell asleep on me, obviously, I'm going to try and get some sleep.

Love you all. Stay safe.
Write me some love kay? I miss it.

September 3, 2008

2008-09-03T07:25:23Z

So I started college a week and two days ago now. I am rooming with Tami, gotta love her, and our room is entirely pink haha. Loving the life of a girly girl, hint's the sarcasm there. I wno't lie, I've felt pressure since the first moment I stepped foot into this stupid building. I'm not use to being in complete control over myself. I'm not use to having no one tell me what to do, when to do it, how to do it, ect. It is a little overwhelming. I'm sure I will quickly adapt to the major change. Obviously not as quickly as I would hope because I am not coping as well as I could be already.

We all know that I do not do too well coping with many emotions though. Change, despair, and anxiety are definately the highest on my list for not coping with well. I'm sure I will learn new skills, meet new people, and control my anxiety as long as I am capable as normal though.

The first day classes started I was already striken with a cold. Therefore, I was sniffling, coughing, and felt like shit the entire first week of classes. It was a pain in my ass. I slept about five hours too many a night, took about five pills too many a day, and complained about five times more then normal; haha.

Anywho, it is 1:23 am now, I went to sleep at three last night, and could barely wake up, I'm assuming I should at least attempt to sleep at a decent time tonight therefore I can wake up at a decent time tomorrow morning.

Actually, if I like my hair enough, I'm going to take some pictures. :] I'm a camera whore, I'll show you them if you like haha.

Good night everyone, or rather morning. I hope you all have good days, weeks, nights, whatever it may be and stay safe. Talk to me if you need anything?

New Leaf.

2008-08-23T20:36:42Z

I'm off to a new leaf way of writing in my online journal. Since I now have purchased a journal for my more... personal things of writing, I will be writing differently.

Just not starting now, because THAT would be odd since I'm going back to my room soon.

Love you all.
<3

Ps.
write me love, i'm kinda lonely lately.

Pretending

2008-07-28T03:52:58Z

I'm getting good at it huh?
I bet only three people that I talk to, know what I'm feeling.
:]
I'm glad.

Don't be mad if I'm not here.

All of my friends should fill this out. :]

2008-07-27T22:10:14Z

0. Age:
1. Your Middle Name:
2. Age:
3. Single or Taken:
4. Favorite Movie:
5. Favorite Song or Album:
6. Favorite Band/Artist:
7. Dirty or Clean:
8. Tattoos and/or Piercings:
9. Do we know each other outside of LJ?
10. What's your philosophy on life?
11. Is the bottle half-full or half-empty?
12. Would you keep a secret from me if you thought it was in my best interest?
13. What is your favorite memory of us?
14. What is your favorite guilty pleasure?
15. Tell me one odd/interesting fact about you:
16. You can have three wishes (for yourself, so forget all the 'world peace etc' malarkey) - what are they?
17. Can we get together and bake a cake?
18. Which country is your spiritual home?
19. What is your big weakness?
20. Do you think I'm a good person?
21. What was your best/favorite subject at school?
22. Describe your accent
23. If you could change anything about me, would you?
24. What do you wear to sleep?
25. Trousers or skirts?
26. Cigarettes or alcohol?
27. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together? (If you have no idea, just say something crazy, it'll entertain me!)
28. Will you repost this so i can fill it out for you?

Using you...<3

2008-07-27T22:01:35Z

Im going to use you as my wife and the love of my life. To love me and for someone to love. To hold and pamper and take care of.
To sleep with and to entertain me. To entertain you back. To be with and cook for and be cooked for. To talk to bout everything.
To do everything we want to do together and be with forever. So if you want to know if I'm using you. Yes. But only because I love you. And I want only you.

miss you

2008-07-26T16:59:12Z

I miss you and it hurts and it's killing me, and I'm the only one that seems to care.

I guess, whatever. It's not like it matters anyway.

pft.

fuck.

2008-07-18T03:11:25Z

I don't really know why I'm writing I haven't wrote in forever. I try to make it a point not to as much lately. Everything just seems like the same old bullshit and it's all so overwhelming.

Sometimes... I just miss the girl who would text or call me and say she was tired, yet wouldn't get off the phone with me because she wanted to talk to me. I miss her kisses...I miss having someone to wipe away the tears I'd cry away.

I don't think I've heard a single, I dont want jto go to bed I'm talking to my baby, since before she left.. Ha.

Maybe I'm being silly.. But nothing seems right without her..
I can't breathe right, or sleep at night, or process things anymore.

I don't think it matters anymore really.

I'm all set in this, lets just act like everything's okay, and everything will be okay, but it hasn't gotten better yet. It's killing me... to the point that sometimes I don't even want to be alive anymore..

Six months.

2008-06-25T05:54:35Z

I've spent the last two anniversaries away from her.
Our 'technical' 5th and 6th month anniversaries.
I wanted to spend them with her, but I've had to be happy about this, talk about this with other people. I have to think yes, we've done it by myself. I've had to go the entire day of our anniversaries without a kiss from her... and it's killing me.

I mean it's so amazing how I still love her just as much as I did the day before she left. It's amazing that I love her MORE then I did that day. Missing her has only made the emotion so much stronger and it's weird, odd, and perfect.

I love her so much, and I wouldn't have this any other way.

1001 Reasons why I love you, to my girlfriend.

2008-06-12T22:22:29Z

One. Cuz you say the right things when I need them most.
Two. Cuz you love me the way I am.
Three. Cuz you overlook my little faults, and some of my big ones too!
Four. Cuz you're fun to be with...no matter where we are or what we're doing.
Five. Cuz you listen when I ramble on and
Six. Cuz you take me seriously when something's important.
Seven. I love you...cuz you're thoughtful and
Eight. Cuz you're gentle and
Nine. Cuz you're likeable. and
Ten. Cuz you're sooo loveable.
Eleven. Cuz your eyes smile a lot and twinkle a lot and tell me a lot and
Twelve. Cuz they always see my good side and
Thirteen. Cuz they show how much you care and
Fourteen. Cuz they're beautiful.
Fifteen. Cuz your face is the one I love to look at and
Sixteen. The only one I want to wake up to forever.
Seventeen. And your smiles my favorite smile.
Eighteen. Cuz you enjoy doing things for me.
Nineteen. Cuz you appreciate things I do for you.
Twenty. Cuz you have a warm heart.
Twentyone. Cuz you let me share it.
Twentytwo. Cuz you make all of my wishes come true.
Twentythree. And you chase my clouds away.
Twentyfour. You calm me down when I'm upset.
Twentyfive. Cuz you always keep me thinking about you.
Twentysix. Cuz your kiss always take my breath away and
Twentyseven. Constantly make my heart skip a beat.
Twentyeight. Cuz I always miss you a minute after you leave...
Twentynine. ..And a thousand times more when you're gone this long.
Thirty. Cuz you give me butterflies and...
Thirtyone. Cuz you make me feel good about myself.
Thirtytwo. Cuz you hold me tightly in your arms and...
Thirtythree. You make me feel safe.
Thirtyfour. I love you cuz of the way you hold my hand,
Thirtyfive. And cuz I love the sound of your voice.
Thirtysix. Cuz I love the way you say my name,
Thirtyseven. And how you say 'I love you' to me.
Thirtyeight. Cuz you make me able to trust you.
Thirtynine. Cuz you're my better half.
Fourty. I love you cuz you make me whole.
Fourtyone-One thousand. Cuz you make me happy in 960 ways. And...
One thousand one. Cuz you're you!

Put me outta my misery.

2008-06-02T22:25:26Z

I seriously think I'm dying... I can't breathe and sometimes I wish I would have never let her in. I wish I wouldn't have went back when I did and I wish I could have let go. But in the end i know that none of those wishes are true. I love her so much and even if people say we won't work out and even if we don't I don't want to think about that right now. I can't stop thinking about it though. I can't stop thinking about how I felt in her arms, or how great it felt to kiss her, or how easy it was for me to be myself around her and how she could just make me happy no matter what.

I want her back here now. I wish I could kiss her again, I wish I could be with her, and I wish she wasn't gone right now because I'm falling apart so bad and there isn't anyone who can make it go away except for her. It's not like she's dead and I'm never going to see her again, and she told me it wouldn't be so bad and for a while I thought she was right, but now that she's gone and I haven't heard her voice in almost two weeks, it's hard to say it's not going to be so bad, because I'm already feeling like I'm dying. I guess if I could talk to her this would be easier, but I haven't even gotten a letter from her yet, and I just want my fucking letter. I want to be with her.

I want to know why love is so fucking complicated, why everytime I fall in love there are fucking complications, why I can't keep a normal fucking relationship. who the fuck ever said love hurt this much, because I don't remember ever fucking hearing that...

I dn't want to exist anymore....
Shoot me, kay? Put me outta my misery.

If you're not the one by Daniel Bedingfield Lyrics

2008-05-26T05:19:35Z

(This is exactly how I feel...word for word...)

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this **much** is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I'm praying you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't wanna run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And know I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don’t wanna run away but I can’t take it, I don’t understand
If I’m not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

ily...

2008-05-20T16:06:38Z

I say I would rather us try and fail [although I hope we don't fail] then never try and wonder if we coulda been right for each other for the rest of our lives. In all honesty I mean that sooo much. Because I love you and want this time with you even if we don't work out. However, even more so, I just wish I didn't have to chose outta either of those. I wish you were staying so that I could just know that we would work. I wish you were here so that I didn't have to sleep next to your pillow and wish it was you. I wish you were here so I wouldn't have to miss your voice already. I wish you were here, to help me stop crying.

I'm so in love with you, and it doesn't matter what anyone says. I'm making a lot of promises I would never make for anyone so that I know that even when you come back, you're still going to love me and only me and still want to marry me. And if this works, I swear to fucking god I won't ever cut myself or be depressed or get jealous or mad or anything. I just want to be with you, and never have to wonder if I'm the only one you're thinking about this way.

I miss you already baby.. It's been only 6 fucking hours since I lasted talked to you, but like I said it's harder and harder everytime I have to say goodbye to you.. Is it July yet? At least then I could talk to you...

....To real.

2008-05-16T02:32:29Z

I put off writing her letter and her picture because I knew that it would make this so much realer. That it would mean she's actually leaving, and I couldn't handle that. But withonly three days left, I knew I had to write it. And now it's like BAM. hit me in the fucking heart, she's leaving. She keeps saying that it won't be as bad as we expect, and maybe shes right, but I think shes saying that for herself as much as me.

I usually prepare myself so well for these kinds of things, I expect the worse, because then it's harder to disappoint me, it's harder to break me, but I couldn't even prepare myself for how much this is hurting... I'm not getting this...

I'ma miss her... so much...

....Days

2008-05-13T05:11:08Z

There are days I can think about anything and not get upset, and be fine and I can escape from the thoughts.

Then there are days when I can't think about anything because if I think I want to kill myself. There are days I can't deal and don't want to be here and don't want to do the whole growing up and changing and losing my love...

It's one of the days, where I can't be happy and I dn't want to be here...

Letter.

2008-05-12T18:46:01Z

Our relationship is different then most. We're more in depth, we both get eachother, we share the same problems, we're both female. As much as this is looked down upon, I love you more than I love anyone or anything. You may make me mad at times, I might just want to give up, I might just do the exact same things to you, but in the end I still love you. Every fight makes me love you more, every breath I take makes me fall deeper into your scent, deeper into the feeling of love you're possessing me with.

I can't honestly say that I've fallen this hard for anyone. I can't honestly say I've ever cried or been upset just because someone left. I can't honestly say I would ever want to stay with someone I wasn't going to get to see for a period of time that has no set limit. I can't say I would wait forever for anyone except for you. I would never trade what we have, and what we may keep, for anything. Not for all the money in the world, or the perfect marriage, or all of my dreams to come true. I love you, and wouldn't ever change that for the world.

I never thought I would find someone that I trust so much ever again. I never thought I would have feelings this strong for someone with the same gender as me. However, I'm glad that we explored our feelings because if we wouldn't have neither of us would have experienced this feeling of love and happiness. I'm glad that we've had our breaks, and we've made our mistakes because without them neither of us would feel the way we do now.

We've had our bad spots and we've had our problems just like every other working relationship does, and that's what makes us so compatable. We forgive eachother and we realize that no matter what anyone says or what mistakes we make we still love eachother. We might be the only one's who can so strongly feel the love in ourselves but we aren't the only one's that can see it. We're happier when together, we have more fun together, and everyone can see it.

I love you more than I could have ever imagined. I never want to lose you, and I don't think you even realize this. I would wait till the world ends if I knew in the end I could be with you. And even though I don't know that I will be with you forever, I know that I don't want to lose this moment right now thinking about how we might not work. I want to try and have us work. I want to fall in love every single time I get the opportunity to be in your presence again. I want to feel the butterflies everytime I see you. I want to feel the shocking chemistry I do now every single time I kiss you.

I never want to lose our magic. I never want to lose my feeling of innocence with you, and if that means I'm waiting forever,then that's what I'll do.

I'm in love with you.. Just believe me when I say that..
Tasha Angelia
Ily.<3

Writer's Block: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep

2008-05-06T22:57:10Z

Odd, but make my bed. <3

Three Happy Things

2008-05-06T22:56:51Z

1. Smoking, in front of a cop. =]
2. New songs that I love.
3. Make up kissing. <3

Three Happy Things

2008-05-06T05:19:31Z

1. Trampoline, Water, Camera, and my three best friends. Need I say more?
2. Finding something meaningful that I thought I lost. =]
3. Kissing my baby. <333

Writer's Block: Cinco de Mayo

2008-05-06T01:38:01Z

Not really. I've acknowledged that it's cinco de mayo, however I didn't really celebrate it. I get to eat food in spanish tomorrow tho lol.

Niceee...

Writer's Block: Fictional Character

2008-05-05T04:16:38Z

This sounds obsessive when I say this, but Belle Swan from Twilight, New Moon, and Eclispe. I only say this because, when I first read the first book [Twilight] I was going through what she was, love. I was falling in love just as she was, scared that the girl I loved was going to leave me, made her promise not too. Said she was to good for me.
Then when I read the second book, where Edward breaks up with her, and her depression takes over her, and she feels as though she is drowning, I was going through that. The girl I loved broke up with me, right as I started that book, oddly enough. I felt every emotion that she was feeling in the book, as I read through the pages, I knew it all, and it hurt me to read. It made me fall apart.
Then in the end of the second one,and beginning of the third one, me and my girlfriend got back together, just as they had in the book.. Odd enough? I figured soo.

I'm still afraid to be alone.

2008-05-03T16:18:11Z

I thought that by letting go of my friend that I was helping myself get over my fear of being alone, until Thursday.

You want to know why I wanted to cut? I said I didn't know, and I didn't, and then I heard this song and it was like.. woah. I'm the old me again.

I'm still afraid to be alone.

I hate being alone. I hate not having someone with me, I'm completely dependent on people, and it's not a good thing, and I"m scared of what I'm ever going to do.....

Writer's Block: My First Car

2008-05-03T16:01:52Z

First car would be a 1995 Ford Escort.

It's fushia, and slow's down when you go up a hill, and I'm not allowed to drive it yet, [even though I'm eighteen tomorrow] but, it's a car, and I loves it. =P

Writer's Block: Smashed

2008-05-01T21:01:20Z

In my house? Gaw, idk. The keyboard. It sticks when I'm trying to write, and never works right and just angers me. End of story I guess.

Writer's Block: Life Changing Experiences

2008-04-30T20:50:04Z

I wanted to answer this one yesterday, but I was at the end of class when I got the time too, so I've decided too now.

Anywho. . .

One would be when my parents seperated. It changed my life because not only did I have to go back and forth between parents houses and have to choose sides a lot, I also got an entirely new family one that whether or not I was happy with them, I would have to deal. It changed my entire outlook on life. Most people would say this is what caused my depression and fucked up -ness however, I blame none of that for it. It did still change my life.

The second would be Shad killing himself. Not only did I lose one of my best friends that I could talk to about anything, but it also made me realize how much I value life and how I should never want to kill myself and put any of my friends through it. 'Suicide is NOT an option...ever.'

The third would have to be realizing that I like girls, admitting it, and having my first real girlfriend. It changed me incredibly. It made me realize that hiding myself isn't something that I should be doing, it makes life a hell of a lot harder and makes me hate myself. Made me realize taht what people think of me doesn't matter. Also because of my girlfriend being in the airforce its made me realize what obsticals love can go through. Realizing that I will be able to love whoever I want too in life.

Now, I know this said only three things, but I would rather state four because this one is actually had a very HUGE effect on my life. I lost my best friend this year, not to suicide or death, the only two ways I ever thought I would lose this friend ever, but by change. I've realized that change isn't always bad, and even if it seems bad in the end it makes it end in the better. It's made me realize I don't need to depend on anyone for antyhing, except myself. It's made me realize that people do change, and grow apart and I can't plan my entire life around someone, unless I'm marrying that person.

I'm sure I explained them well enough that I don't need to state why I picked these three. =]